So let us guess: you believe with all your heart that your own personal body just happens to be a God-given concoction of cosmically critical parts, am I right? Got a bunch of stuff inside you that you just can’t do without?
Well . . . not exactly. The truth is freakier than that. Your body – just like the bodies of your neighbors and your kin and your frenemies and even your boss – is far more like a creepy episode of “Storage Wars.” Oh, sure, there’re a few rather key components tucked away in your corpus, but the reality is that you – and everybody else found wandering at the mall – happen to be chockfull of all sorts of random stuff you don’t even need. And what really gaggles the goose is that some of those internal items can do you far more harm than good.
Today is Sunday, so this is a terrific day to face the fact that you are a walking, talking concatenation of unproductive, non-functional, unceremonious junk. So it’s time to take stock. And if perchance you’re considering lightening up the ‘ol scales, why, here are a whole ton of quirky body parts you can toss out right now:
Back in our cave-days we had no nifty electric heaters nor snuggly yoga pants, so we were all sheltered by a thick layer of fur to protect us from the elements. Now, modern day conveniences have completely outflanked the need for hirsuteness. Even your eyebrows and nose follicles offer little more than marginal protection. So let’s get shaving. And let’s do it before the inevitable scourge of time turns your personal fur into very strange patchwork.
Of course it’s true your umbilical chord once connected your prenatal self to the blood vessels of your mom, while you were temporarily living inside the world’s tiniest mobile home. But that curious tummy-divot after birth serves no biological purpose whatsoever. On its best days, it acts as a curious little lint collector. But you can learn to live very well without it . . . and the lint that goes with it.
Oh! And if you happen to be geographically challenged, the navel marks the center of your body on pretty much all of us. And that’s the basis for all navigation.
Your annoying extra pair of molars are leftovers from a time when we gnawed on bones and needed teeth that could crush. Then, over eons, our our early farmers learned how to grow pizza and fried chicken – but nobody bothered to tell our teeth they should just stop growing. Nowadays, the only purpose of our molars is to completely ruin your day with pain, and allow dentists to afford golf club memberships.
It is totally true that you need at least one kidney to stay alive, but that second one is just along for the ride. A kidney is indeed an amazing little organ, from filtering waste products to keeping your blood pressure on an even keel, among other skills. But even the folks over at the National Kidney Foundation will quietly admit you can live just fine with either one. You surely don’t need both. 99% of us are renally redundant.
The human appendix is another curious bit of slack-dangling flesh. Its only known value is to occasionally become infected, burst into flames and force you to crave an out-of-body experience. The very best thing you can say about your appendix is that it provides your abdomen with its very own ticking time-bomb. You may gleefully consider your appendix a sleeping tummy-terrorist.
Now, most of your pedal protuberances are keen on keeping you balanced. But the runt of the litter? Why, it’s just a freaky little troublemaker, in search of nighttime furniture.
They say about 12 people in 100 can wiggle their ears, but aside from impressing drinkers at a party, there’s no modern-day purpose for such highbrow hijinks. Moving your ears around won’t help you hear a Smart Car coming at you, even a little bit. But back in the day, wow. Those fleshy radar dishes twirled around and saved lives.
Well guys, nature just didn’t quite know how to erase your pesky papilli after it rolled out the gender dice and they turned up, “not female.” So it simply pretended not to notice, and hoped you wouldn’t notice them, either. But it’s kinda hard not to, since the invention of bathroom mirrors. While nipples on females are a never-ending source of fascination, the end-game of the male thelarche structure is to just sort of pose in tandem and look weird. Some twits actually dangle piercings from them like Christmas ornaments, likely because they don’t quite know what else to do with them. Which – come to think of it – is likely yet another glitch in our shared double helix.
So in the end, if you’re truly serious about losing some weight, now you know what to do. Don’t be an organ-hoarder. Clean house. It’ll only hurt a for a little while. And trust us: you’ll have not the slightest trouble finding a doctor mercenary enough to chop off, slice up, gouge out or amputate, any ‘ol part of your body you want. After all, they’ve mastered the art of the bank account biopsy, so removal of your little parts presents no medical challenge at all. We’re here to help, don’t you know.