“Hello. You’ve reached our crisis Help-line. Your call is important to us, so please listen to the following menu carefully:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 over and over and over.
If you are co-dependent, please have somebody else press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we already know who you are and what you want. Please hang up and hide.
If you are schizophrenic, tilt your head and a small voice will tell you which selection to choose.
If you are manic-depressive, press any button you want. We’ve had enough of your mood swings.
If you have high anxiety, just start pushing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, better not even touch the buttons. Who knows what germs lurk there.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.”
(Excerpt from the book, “America’s Dumbest Doctors”