(Doctor to bedridden patient): “Of course you’re feeling crummy. Twelve months ago I gave you three months to live. You do the math.”
A general practitioner and his wife are attending a group marriage seminar, dealing with communication. The speaker is stressing the importance of husbands and wives knowing what is really important to each other.
“For example,” the counselor says with a smile, looking at the doctor, “Sir, what’s your wife’s favorite flower?”
The doc leans over to touch his wife’s arm and whispers, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
The rest of the story gets ugly, so we’ll stop right here.
After school, a little girl goes home to tell her mother that a boy in her class had asked her to play doctor.
“Oh, Lord,” gasps the mom. “Tell me exactly what happened.”
“Not much,” answered the girl. “He made me wait twenty minutes at recess and then he came out, poked a Popsicle stick into my mouth and demanded a quarter.”
A proctologist about to take some notes reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
“Damn it. Some asshole is always running off with my good pens.”
(Doctor to cop during a traffic stop): “Sure, I know I was driving in the carpool lane. My ego is big enough to qualify as another person in the car, so frankly I don’t see the problem.”
A couple of wives are watching their med-student husbands play tennis. One says, “You know, those two are actually pretty good.”
“Yeah, your Tom is really quick out there. How are his grades?”
“Oh, he’s making solid A’s and B’s, finally. But the rest of his alphabet is still too crooked to recognize.”
A woman visits a new doctor with a baby. She’s taken into the exam room and waits. Within a few minutes the doc comes in and checks the infant, finding that he is failing to gain weight. So he asks, “Is this little guy on the bottle?”
“Oh, no,” said the woman. “He’s breast fed.”
“Well okay,” says the doctor. “I’ll need you to strip down to your waist.”
The woman is more than a little surprised, but she knows that doctors are smarter than the rest of us, so she does what she’s told. The physician begins prodding, kneading and poking her breasts. Eventually he motions for her to get dressed, and says, “No wonder the baby isn’t gaining weight. You don’t have any milk.”
The woman frowns and says, “I don’t think I’m supposed to. I’m his aunt.”
(Psychiatrist to patient): “Yes, I was called in to see what we can do about your continuous hallucinations. So take a seat while I write some notes, and in the meantime you can wonder whether I’m really here at all.”
A traveling cardiologist walks into a barbershop in a strange town, climbs into the big chair and says he would like a shave and a shoe shine. The barber begins to lather his face while a woman with a plunging neckline kneels before him and starts shining his shoes.
Admiring her cleavage, the doctor says, “Young lady, I think you should join me in my hotel room this evening.”
The woman says, “No thank you. I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like it very much.”
Unaccustomed to being turned away, the doc says, “Not a problem. Just tell him you’re working late and I’ll pay you the difference.”
The woman looks up and says, “Why don’t you tell him yourself? He’s the one with the razor at your throat.”
When a famous kidney specialist died, 200 people gathered at the funeral. His coffin was creatively displayed in front of a huge, plastic model of a kidney. After the minister finished his oratory, the big kidney was opened and the casket rolled inside. About that time one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy sitting next to him asked, “What is it with you?”
“I can’t help thinking about my own funeral someday.”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a proctologist.”
(Doctor to patient): “Looks like your insurance plan is a bit limited. They only pay for placebos.”