“The oddity of some physician names might never have occurred to us, were it not for our early discovery that there are MD’s in this country actually named Doctor. We knew right then, that this was gonna be fun.”\
In our salad days of research into the wacky world of medicine we turned our attention to the curious matter of physicians’ names. This might never have occurred, were it not for the early discovery that there are MD’s in this country actually named Doctor. Imagine our delight at finding seventeen of these curiosities in existence. Sensing immediately this could be the tip of a comical iceberg, we wanted to determine just how far this freaky Dr. Doctor thing might go. So we poured a drink and jumped right in. Within a few hours we stumbled upon two dozen doctors with the names Lance and Poke. Not to be outshined was another bunch and a half named Drill, Cutter and Scope. And although we were unable to locate anybody named Suture or Suction, we roundly cheered the reality of several Dr. Needles. This was going to be fun.
Now, some of these guys have names that their patients in pain should find downright comforting. If we went to doctors at all, we’d probably choose lads and lassies named Fix, Cure and Heal. And who wouldn’t? We thought how neat it would be if these guys and gals were to hang shingles alongside fellows named Smart, Wise and Sharp. Hard telling how much money they’d rake in. Surely they would have a clear advantage over the eight degreed amigos named Blewitt and Croak, Butz and Klutz. (And yes, they actually exist)
Occasionally a doc’s name bears witness to a particular specialty. We stumbled across an orthopedic surgeon named Bone and a skin dude named Rash. Could there be any doubt that Dr. Couch was a psychiatrist? And don’t you just know that Dr. Gass was destined to become an anesthesiologist, pretty much from the moment of conception?
Sadly, this Feng Shui of nominative determinism does not hold true for all 800,000 MD’s in the country, as God most likely intended. Maybe that’s why our medical system is in such turmoil – our health care yin & yang is off-center. The United States has spawned eleven doctors named Pollen, Dust and Mold, and not one of them is an allergist. For that matter, Drs. Stool, Kidney, Nose and Arms don’t work in their proper fields either. Not one of the 10 Dr. Bloods is a hematologist. And Dr. Heine toys with other, less-fun parts entirely, which as far as we’re concerned is just plain wrong.
In closing, keep in mind that Dr. Flesh, Dr. Gore, Dr. Achey and Dr. Fuss are all licensed and legal, and ready to play with your body. And if our little prelude to this chapter strikes you as irritating, just trundle on down to the sofas of Dr. Gripe, Dr. Bicker or Dr. Looney – all of whom would just love to hear all about your particular discomfort.
Here’s a tiny peak at what (whom) we found:
[And now, a drum-roll, if you please . . .]
An Allergist worth mentioning – Dr. Aikenhead
Want Anesthesiologists? – Dr. Tranquilli, Dr. Ether
Need a Heart Specialist? – Dr. Love, Dr. Fix, Dr. Valentine
Surgeons to cut & paste – Dr. Gore, Dr. Blades, Dr. Killam, Dr. Graves, Dr. Hurt, Dr. Hacker
Obstetrics/Gynecology – Dr. Lecher, Dr. Beaver, Dr. Storck, Dr. Bush, Dr. Wiwi, Dr. Fillerup
And don’t you just know these docs were destined to become pediatricians, pretty much since they were pedi-people themselves?
Kid docs – Dr. Childs, Dr. Tickles, Dr. Toy, Dr. Kidd, Dr. Elfman
(Excerpt from the book, “America’s Dumbest Doctors”)
Have a terrific Thursday, readers.
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