National Nurses Week is well-worth tipping our hats to. (Sometimes you just have to end a sentence with a preposition). So now is the time to celebrate nurses, and we do it by providing our readers with the coolest things we’ve ever heard nurses say, while on the job. Trust us, every single one of them is true:
“How many male doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“It only takes one. But he’ll need a nurse at some point to finish the procedure.”
(Patient to nurse): “Why does this prescription list forty side effects?”
“Because that’s all they’ve discovered so far.”
“In our Columbus, Ohio urgent care clinic several of us nurses decided to play pranks on the physician we worked for, a guy who was truly an insufferable jerk. The guy was having an endless string of affairs and we all agonized over whether we should tell his wife.
In the break room one day my friend said, ‘I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope. That ought to mess him up.’
Another said, ‘I mailed a picture of his girlfriend to his wife.’
The third said, ‘Well, I topped you both. I poked holes in the condoms he keeps in his desk drawer.’
That’s when our new receptionist fainted, bumped her head on the counter and was taken by ambulance to the E.R.”
“What’s the difference between a cardiac surgeon and God?”
“God knows who really controls the heartbeats.”
A private doctor and his head nurse were arguing over who should be in charge of making the coffee each morning. The nurse was saying, “You should do it, because you never like the way we fix it.”
The doc said, “You’re in charge of things around here and you guys wanted this neat little break room, so you fix the coffee.”
“Nope. I’m way too busy prepping your schedule. You do it. Besides, I’ve seen you studying the Talmud, and the fact is, it’s written in the Bible.”
The doctor looked baffled. “What are you talking about?”
Whereupon the wily nurse produced the Good Book, flipped to the Old Testament and pointed to six coffee instructions on one page alone.
They read, “Hebrews.”
“In the late 1980’s at Merced Community Medical Center in California, our ER was getting bombed by 200 patients a day over a 4th of July weekend. Our staff of eight nurses and two MDs were sprinting from room to room, with barely enough time to catch our breath. In the middle of the chaos a particularly twitty little private doc strutted through the door and started barking demands. About the time we were ready to start throwing things at him, one of our veteran LVN’s screeched to a halt in the middle of the corridor, blood all over her scrubs, pointed to him from forty feet away and waved him forward with a glare.
“Whiner? Party of one? Whiner?”
The explosion of laughter by two dozen people rattled the windows.
“A female punk rocker came into our O.R. (Highland Hospital, Oakland, California) for a STAT appendectomy. Among other clever adornments was pubic hair dyed green and a tattoo above it stating, “Keep off the Grass.”
When the little darling awoke in recovery she was seen staring groggily at the bandage over her lower abdomen, trying to focus on the note written by the O.R. staff: “Too bad. Had to mow the lawn.”
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Go nurses! And please do keep fighting the good fight. Lord knows we need all the sanity we can muster.
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