Hey, Doc. You Want to Say That Again?

“Medical language is replete with blizzards of linguistic and conceptual confusion.” Author Unknown

Yes, indeed. And sometimes it’s just plain freaky. Take a peek behind the medical curtain at what “real” folks have said, (from the book, ‘America’s Dumbest Doctors’.)

(As told to a patient):  “As an obese woman, you will likely outlive your obese spouse.  You’ll have a difficult time establishing new relationships, because most men are completely negative to obese women.  Let’s face it.  If your husband dies tomorrow, who would want you?” Dr. Terry Bennett, New Hampshire

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“Going through a natural opening – such as the rectum or vagina – to get to the gall bladder, is being looked excitedly at by a lot of people.” Dr. Marc Bessler, Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium

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 “A man comes running into the E.R. and yells, “My wife’s going to have a baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the woman’s dress and started removing her panties.  Suddenly I noticed there were several taxis out there, and I was in the wrong one.” Dr. Mark McDonald, San Antonio Texas 

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 “Our family physician reports that in the early years of his practice he had a woman come into his office with a baby. He was able to determine right away that the child had an ear ache, so he wrote a prescription for eardrops.  In the directions he wrote, ‘Put two drops in the right ear every four hours.’ Several days went by and the woman returned with the infant, complaining that he still had pain in his ear, and now his little bottom was getting really messy from all the oil. The doctor examined the child’s bottom and then reviewed what he had written on the prescription. Put 2 drops in the R ear every 4 hours.” Dave Larkin, RN Redwood City Ca

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“I remember once I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.” Jeffrey Bernard, Author

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“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten is an idiot.” Jay Leno

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“For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect.” Dr. Ian MacDonald,1963

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“The abdomen, chest and brain will forever be shut to the wise and humane surgeon.” Sir John Ericksen Surgeon to Queen Victoria, 1873

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“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs passing from physicians is ridiculous fiction.” Pierre Pachet, M.D.

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At Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage one elderly private doc likes to shake everyone’s hand in the elevator and announce, “Just call me the Admiral for this trip.”

And finally, here’s one that just might make you slop your dripper:

 “As an avid reader of true crime, Demon Doctors was even more fascinating and horrific because all of the murderers were physicians like myself.” Elizabeth Linberg, M.D. Urgent Care Director Tucson, Arizona

Yes. She really did say that. And so did all the others.

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