Ah, But Don’t You Just Love the Language of Healthcare . . .

“The most exquisite pleasure in the practice of medicine comes from nudging a layman in the direction of terror, then bringing him back to safety again.”
Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater  

It takes about a month to become fluent in physician doublespeak:

“You’ll soon find . . .”  (really means) “But you will never really believe . . . ”

“It has long been known . . .” (really means)  “I can’t find the damned reference . . . ”

“Three conditions were chosen for study . . .”  (means)  “The others disprove my point . . .”

“In my experience . . .”  (means) “One time . . .”

“In case after case . . .”  (means) “A couple of times . . .”

“It is believed that . . .”    (means) “I think . . .”

“It is generally believed that . . .”  (means) “A few other guys think so, too . . .”

“Accurate within plus or minus 3 . . .” (means) “It isn’t entirely accurate . . .’

“According to statistical inference . . .” (means) “Rumor has it . . .”

“An impressive body of evidence . . .”  (means) “I once saw a few beer-stained pages that said . . .”

“But more research needs to be done . . .”  (means) “I’m covering my ass here . . .”

“Additional studies by my colleagues . . .”  (means) “They’re covering theirs, too . . .”

”Highly significant area for future study . . .”  (means) “A useless committee topic . . .”

“I’d like to thank Joe Blow for his assistance and Suzie Q for her valuable contributions . . .”

(means) “Joe did all the work and Suzie taught me what the hell it meant . . .”

“It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation by others . . .”  (means) “Because I quit.”

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