10 Things Nurses Could Tell Their Patients . . . But Don’t

In our decades of research – both before and after the seminal book, “America’s Dumbest Doctors” – we leaned heavily on the guidance and opinions of nurses nationwide. After all, it is this cadre of medical pros who function in the trenches of health care reality, and what they know could educate an entire society . . . if only we would listen:

Shh Hospital Haz to Hlth wrist tag

10.  TV Medical Shows – You watch them for drama – we see them as comedies. 90% of the medical heroics on screen are performed by nurses – not doctors.

9.   Stop Whining – We already know that the noisiest patients are the least serious. It’s the quiet ones we worry about.

"Health Care Reform plan: Don't ask, don't tell."

“Health Care Reform plan: Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

8.   Questioning My Experience – Don’t ask if we’ve ever done the procedure before. Our answer will always be yes, even if we haven’t.

7.   Saving You From a Bad Doctor – We do everything we can to correct physicians’ mistakes – but only after they leave the room. In their presence, your safety comes second to our continued employment. You heard it here first.

Shhh Teamwork graph

6.   Drugs, Drugs, Drugs – Don’t talk to us  while we’re drawing up your IV meds. That’s not the time to be social. Med errors kill 250 of you people everyday. Really.

5.   Residents Running Amok – Whatever you do, stay the hell away from a teaching hospital in July. That’s when the newbie-docs show up, and they are seriously clueless.

Our leading causes of death isn't exactly a secret

Our leading cause of death isn’t exactly a secret. H.C. kills 400 people a day

4.   Who’s Grubbier Than a 3rd-Grader?  –  The cooties leaping off your doctor’s hands, lab coat and stethoscope could kill kittens on a lawn. We don’t even wear our work shoes in our own houses.

3.   CPR is Soooo Overrated – We honestly cringe at the thought of breaking your ribs if and when your heart stops beating. Especially because we already know it won’t save you  anyway.

2.   Stayin’ Alive –  Our job is to keep your doctor from killing you.  Trust us: with some of these arrogant twits, you’d be safer in a foxhole in Afghanistan, because,

1. You’re in the Danger Zone Now – No matter how much we like you, we’ll never tell you your doctor is incompetent. The best you’ll get from us is, “You’re entitled to a second opinion.” That’s nurse-speak for, “Watch out. This one watches looney tunes at breakfast.”


Which is why our favorite people on earth are nurses.

Stay safe out there.


#          #          #


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s