Wanna hear something funny?
In our salad days of research on this project we turned our attention to the curious matter of physicians’ names. This might never have occurred were it not for the early discovery that there are MDs in this country actually named “Doctor.” Imagine our delight at finding 17 of these curiosities in existence. Sensing immediately this could be the tip of a comical iceberg, we wanted to determine just how far this freaky Doctor Doctor thing might go. So we poured a glass of something vino and jumped right in. By three in the morning we had stumbled upon two dozen doctors with the names “Lance” and “Poke.” Imagine our glee. Not to be out-shined was another bunch and a half named “Drill,” “Cutter” and “Scope.” And although we were unable to locate anybody named “Suture” or “Suction,” we roundly cheered the reality of several Doctor “Needles.” This was going to be fun.
Now, some of these folks have names that their patients in pain should find downright comforting. If we went to doctors at all, we’d probably choose lads and lassies named “Fix,” “Cure” and “Heal.” And who wouldn’t? We thought how neat it would be if these MDs were to hang shingles alongside other caregivers named “Smart,” “Wise” and “Sharp.” Hard telling how much money they’d rake in. Surely they would have a clear advantage over the eight degreed amigos named Doctors “Blewitt” and “Croak,” “Butz” and “Klutz.”
And don’t even think we are kidding.
Occasionally a doc’s name bears witness to a particular specialty. We stumbled across an orthopedic surgeon named “Bone” and a skin dude named “Rash.” Could there be any doubt that Doctor “Couch” is a psychiatrist? And don’t you just know that Doctor “Gass” was destined to become an anesthesiologist, pretty much from the joy of conception?
Sadly, this Feng Shui of nominative determinism does not hold true for all 800,000 MDs in the country, as God most likely intended. Maybe that’s why our medical system is in such turmoil – our health care yin & yang is off-center. Unfiltered names of baby doc-gonna-bees. Sad to report the United States has spawned eleven doctors named “Pollen,” “Dust” and “Mold,” and not one of them is an allergist. For that matter, Doctors “Stool,” “Kidney,” “Nose” and “Arms” don’t work in their proper fields either. Doctor “Blood” toys with other, less-fun parts entirely, and Doctor “Heine” deals with ears, which as far as we’re concerned is just plain wrong.
In closing, keep in mind that Doctor “Flesh,” Doctor “Gore,” Doctor “Achey” and Doctor “Fuss” are all licensed and legal, and ready to play with your body. And if our little tirade here strikes you as irritating, just trundle on down to the sofas of Doctor “Gripe,” Doctor “Bicker” or Doctor “Looney,” who would just love to hear all about it.
And now, a drum-roll, if you please:
An Allergist worth mentioning – Dr. Aikenhead
Want Anesthesiologists? – Dr. Tranquilli, Dr. Ether
Need a Heart Specialist? – Dr. Love, Dr. Fix, Dr. Valentine
Surgeons to cut & paste – Dr. Gore, Dr. Blades, Dr. Killam Dr. Graves, Dr. Hurt, Dr. Hacker
Dr. Slaughter, Dr. Kutteroff
Obstetrics/Gynecology – Dr. Lecher, Dr. Beaver, Dr. Storck Dr. Bush, Dr. Wiwi, Dr. Fillerupe
But our all time favorite? No, it isn’t San Francisco Doctor Ella Vader, although she’s close.
It isn’t urologist Doctor Splatt, although he’s closer.
It isn’t the Dentist named Doctor Fang, although he surely could be.
No, the coolest of all is a little kid specialist out there for all to see – a pediatrician:
Doctor Donald Duckles.
(Excerpt from the book, “America’s Dumbest Doctors”)
Have a terrific week, Miscreants readers. And stay vigilant.